Friday, June 18, 2010

In Want Of

Everywhere I look, women around me are having babies. Some are beautifully round, with protruding bellies and bright eyes, while some are cradling their newborns, overjoyed. It's friends, family, cousins, acquaintances, blog friends, random women in the super market. It's everywhere. It's all around me.

When I was pregnant with Gage my OBGYN had asked me to consider what I wanted to do in terms of sterilization and/or birth control. Mike, my husband, and I skirted around the issue, too wrapped up with the little miracle that was growing inside of me. When the time came to decide I simply could not do that to my body, have my tubes tied, and do I went with a removable IUD instead. My children are a blessing, and my womb is a gift, and until nature says otherwise I just could not fathom doing something so extreme, especially being so young. I still had a lot of time left to bare children, and while at the time I had no immediate plans to do so, perhaps one day would come where I would change my mind. A day like today. A day like tomorrow.

I come from a big family. I'm the oldest of four children, and both of my parents come from large families as well. As stressing as it can be, I simply love being surrounded by children and family. It's who I am. It's what's in my heart. And really, it's all I've ever really known up until starting my own family.

Mike, on the other hand, is an only child, raised by just his mother and grandmother. His family is very small, but what they lack in volume they make up for in heart. He is content with what he has. He always has been, and it's part of what makes him such a good man.

I've been longing for another child to hold and love for some time now. Mike, on the other hand, says that he is done and that our two boys are more than enough. I know, with all of my heart that I should be counting my blessings rather than asking for more, but I am a woman, and lately I've been asking myself constantly, is this not what I was made for, to bare children and nurture and love them?

I admit, this is making me depressed, knowing that my husband doesn't want more children while I do. It's driving a wedge between us in other facets too. I love him with all of my heart, and I know that he is my forever. But what do you do when what your heart desires for the future and what your partners heart desires for the future don't mesh?


  1. I'm sorry your feeling down. I had my tubes tide after TJ cause I thought like your husband. Some days I have that what if feeling. Have you sat down and really talked to him about why he doesn't want anymore? More of a reason then the boys are more than enough. (I find that a little funny cause it's not like he has a house full of Maybe financially he feels like he cant support another? That is my husbands reason, that and not having room left in the car.

  2. This is something you both need to come together on, not something that one should dictate to the other. The best thing really would be to talk it out, I think. Your longing is no less important than his feeling that two is enough. You are not somehow broken or silly for feeling that way.

    It may be that, as an only child, your husband doesn't understand the benefits of a larger family. While smaller families tend to have "financial benefits" (ie less children to pay for, obviously), there are definitely benefits to larger families, and perhaps lifestyle changes could help ease the added financial cost, if that is his concern. I come from a family of six and I know that having that many siblings helped me learn to get along better with others and taught me to not be as myopic in my view on life. Not that I couldn't do that without siblings, but that's what it did for me. And now that I'm older it's wonderful to have my sisters and brothers and the longer-lasting relationships with them than any other friend.

    One last idea - I've always been big on it being both of our choice to have another one and I've been lucky enough that it has worked so far. But I do have a friend that had one child and wanted two while her husband didn't want any more. So she told him that she wanted a baby and he didn't so he would be in charge of birth control. It seems kind of cruel to have the mother be solely responsible for birth control when she is the one who wants a baby. I don't know your relationship, though, and whether that would backfire and cause a greater gulf between you - but it did work for my friend.

    Good luck!

  3. Right now, my husband and I are both content with two, but we are both of the understanding that the door is only shut, not locked. We decided to wait for 3 more years before making any permanent decisions. I don't want to be pregnant after 35 and we should definitely know by then if we want more.
    It's rough when you and your spouse aren't on the same page when it comes to children, but perhaps in discussing it, you can find out the real underlying reason he doesn't want more. It may be something you completely agree with or something that shouldn't be holding him back.

  4. I feel for you... I bet this is a really common issue. Does your husband truly know how important it is for you to have another baby? It's easy to arbitrarily assign a number (like two), but it's also a flippant way to decide something so monumental. It may just be that your husband has never really truly considered the thought of more children, and would be open to the discussion. And maybe it's just a timing issue ... I have the easiest time saying "No more! EVER!!" when my two are going through a rough patch. But once they calm down, I have to admit, my husband has a very, very valid claim on wanting more. Best of luck to you and your husband in this decision.

  5. Just something else I thought of last night (your post has really stuck with me) ... almost everyone in my very large family whose children are grown has said they wished they had had at least one more. I have yet to meet anyone, anywhere, who has said they wished they had had less.

  6. And here I am writing about how done I am! Of course A) I started late and B) we were almost content only having one. I don't think either of us have ever had strong feelings about having a third. I had one before 35 and one after and now that I'm pushing 40, I just don't feel any strong urge to do the baby thing again. Perhaps I would feel differently if I were young like you. At the end of the day, it has to be a decision you can both live with...and have confidence you guys will figure it out :) HUGS!


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