Everywhere I look, women around me are having babies. Some are beautifully round, with protruding bellies and bright eyes, while some are cradling their newborns, overjoyed. It's friends, family, cousins, acquaintances, blog friends, random women in the super market. It's everywhere. It's all around me.
When I was pregnant with Gage my OBGYN had asked me to consider what I wanted to do in terms of sterilization and/or birth control. Mike, my husband, and I skirted around the issue, too wrapped up with the little miracle that was growing inside of me. When the time came to decide I simply could not do that to my body, have my tubes tied, and do I went with a removable IUD instead. My children are a blessing, and my womb is a gift, and until nature says otherwise I just could not fathom doing something so extreme, especially being so young. I still had a lot of time left to bare children, and while at the time I had no immediate plans to do so, perhaps one day would come where I would change my mind. A day like today. A day like tomorrow.
I come from a big family. I'm the oldest of four children, and both of my parents come from large families as well. As stressing as it can be, I simply love being surrounded by children and family. It's who I am. It's what's in my heart. And really, it's all I've ever really known up until starting my own family.
Mike, on the other hand, is an only child, raised by just his mother and grandmother. His family is very small, but what they lack in volume they make up for in heart. He is content with what he has. He always has been, and it's part of what makes him such a good man.
I've been longing for another child to hold and love for some time now. Mike, on the other hand, says that he is done and that our two boys are more than enough. I know, with all of my heart that I should be counting my blessings rather than asking for more, but I am a woman, and lately I've been asking myself constantly, is this not what I was made for, to bare children and nurture and love them?
I admit, this is making me depressed, knowing that my husband doesn't want more children while I do. It's driving a wedge between us in other facets too. I love him with all of my heart, and I know that he is my forever. But what do you do when what your heart desires for the future and what your partners heart desires for the future don't mesh?