Friday, October 2, 2009

Mommy Paranoia

So um, I'm kinda crazy. Okay, I'm really crazy. Not crazy like, you better watch yourself while you're sleeping, but crazy like- OK actually, you better watch yourself while you're sleeping.

kind of

Have you ever experienced Mommy Paranoia? Well, I experience it every, single, day. At first I thought it was just something that happened directly after childbirth, part of the baby blues, maybe even postpartum depression. But here I am, 3 years after the birth of my first child, 9 months after the second, and still very paranoid. Is it just part of being a Mom?

When I say paranoid, I don't mean I lock my kids up in their bedrooms for their "safety", but- dangit, how can I explain this without somebody calling CPS on me, haha.

Ok, here is whats going on.

I almost constantly get those feelings, that something bad is going to happen. One time I woke up in the middle of the night, with this awful sensation that something was wrong with my daughters hand. Hand, hand, hand, I kept repeating in my head, like a freakin' programmed zombie. I ran into her room, lightning fast, and whoa (Keanu style)- there she was in her crib, her tiny fingers turned purple, tangled in a web of threads from a tattered square of her quilt. How in the-

So I tend to act on these intuitions. But you do too, right? If you have an overwhelming feeling of "don't get in the car, don't get in the car", then you don't get in the car, do you? Okay sometimes we have to get in the car (especially when there is a giant alien car chasing us, like in Transformers ...or when we need milk), but, for the most part, we tend to listen to the voice in the back of our head.

Something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, is "what if somebody tries to take my kids? What if there is an awful disaster, and I have to pick my kids up and RUN?"... I can't run. Even when I'm dreaming, if there is a running scene, something is holding me back, like my feet are sinking in sand. This "I need to be able to chase after my kids, I need my legs to move faster than they currently can" paranoia finally got to the point where I had to do something about it.

Yes, thats right. I've taken it upon myself to learn how to run! I couldn't run as much as one lap around the track, in high school. Not, even, one. Seriously, I couldn't run a quarter of a mile? Man, doesn't that make me feel awesome? Well whatever, because now (and now is what matters), I'm training to run a 5k. I found the couch to 5k program online, and I'm doing it. I'm halfway through my 4th week already, and holy cow, my legs WORK! I'm not going to lie, its hard. I get side aches. I sweat. I see myself sounding and looking like a hippo that can't catch its breath, but, I'M DOING IT! I go to the track every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night. Its dark, there are giant jack rabbits that come out of nowhere, and I'm usually the only person out there (good thing I live on an Air Force Base and there are guards with guns and barb wire fences all around me, otherwise I'd have a totally different paranoia to worry about). I'm halfway to running a 5k, for no reason other than I want to. I need to.

That and I don't want to get on anxiety meds, haha.

Take that, Mommy Paranoia.


  1. Tia you're such a badass, seriously. I don't know how you juggle it all but you inspire me on so many levels.

  2. Tia, my dear, you are so not alone! Yay, we can be crazy together!

    My anxiety disorder is so bad I can't even drive... especially not with my kids in the car. I did drive to the store (by myself) a few times, but the idea of getting in a car accident and dying before my kids have a chance to really get to know me is way to strong. Crazy, I know. I think I'm crazy all the time, but I don't want to be medicated, either... so I just deal with it.

    GENIUS about the running thing... I can't run... OMG, what if I need to run???

  3. Good for you!! I trained to run a half marathon several years ago just to prove to myself that I could. I have asthma, and like you, could not even run the mile in high school. Pitiful. Well, I trained for that 13.1 miles and I did it!!! I didn't even have to walk any of it. You can do it too. And then you never have to run again (like me).

  4. Oh Tia... your definitely not alone. I'm like ElegantSnobbery... I have a horrible fear of dying before my children and missing their lives. I fear lots of things, but mostly that my children will get hurt or sick, I think its normal and just shows how much we love our children. Plus, my husband hardly ever shows that he's worried so sometimes I feel I have to worry for the both of us.

    Your not crazy... its just a mom thing :)

    Thanks for sharing.

  5. First of all, WOO HOO on the C25K! I surely hope you'll never need it for the reasons you fear, but either way, it's an accomplishment. On the paranoia, hey, it sound like you have a highly tuned intuition, so when it calls, you have every right to listen!! My only mommy paranoia has to do with the kids and roads. I am deathly afraid of them getting hit by a car, so I hold on to them for dear life anywhere near a road or parking lot. Both kids hate it and I'm sure I practically squeeze their arms or hands off...but I'm not letting go!!!

  6. Tia, listen to your intuition. I always have my "radar" on, when I pick up something spooky, I pay attention. Sometimes, I get good stuff. Like when I was gonna be a grandma again. So it's not crazy, it's awesome.

  7. Congratulations on the unintentional fitness kick! hehehe And mommy or not, I definitely think that people need to pay more attention to their intuition. Humans are often smarter than we consciously give ourselves credit for.

  8. Love the post! I am not very paranoid but I have definitely thought of disaster scenarios and what would I do, how to grab my son and run, etc hehe. The thing about your daughters hand in thread, that happened to my pinky toe when I was a baby(my mom told me) from a blanket too! I cried from it though so my parents came b/c of the crying. I need to get in shape enough to really run, too. :P The closest "run for your life" thing I have come to so far is getting caught in torrential rain with blocks to run back to the car! But my sister was the one holding my

  9. Man you guys, I'm SO glad I'm not the only one with Mommy Paranoia. I didn't think I was, which is why I went ahead and wrote about it, haha.

    I think we all do need to listen to that voice in our heads though.

    I'm loving all of your comments. You're all such rockin' mama's.

  10. Good for you Tia! On the running, not the paranoia, but we all have it, so don't feel, uh, paranoid that you're the only one. ;oP


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