So um, I'm kinda crazy. Okay, I'm really crazy. Not crazy like, you better watch yourself while you're sleeping, but crazy like- OK actually, you better watch yourself while you're sleeping.
Have you ever experienced Mommy Paranoia? Well, I experience it every, single, day. At first I thought it was just something that happened directly after childbirth, part of the baby blues, maybe even postpartum depression. But here I am, 3 years after the birth of my first child, 9 months after the second, and still very paranoid. Is it just part of being a Mom?
When I say paranoid, I don't mean I lock my kids up in their bedrooms for their "safety", but- dangit, how can I explain this without somebody calling CPS on me, haha.
Ok, here is whats going on.
I almost constantly get those feelings, that something bad is going to happen. One time I woke up in the middle of the night, with this awful sensation that something was wrong with my daughters hand. Hand, hand, hand, I kept repeating in my head, like a freakin' programmed zombie. I ran into her room, lightning fast, and whoa (Keanu style)- there she was in her crib, her tiny fingers turned purple, tangled in a web of threads from a tattered square of her quilt. How in the-
So I tend to act on these intuitions. But you do too, right? If you have an overwhelming feeling of "don't get in the car, don't get in the car", then you don't get in the car, do you? Okay sometimes we have to get in the car (especially when there is a giant alien car chasing us, like in Transformers ...or when we need milk), but, for the most part, we tend to listen to the voice in the back of our head.
Something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, is "what if somebody tries to take my kids? What if there is an awful disaster, and I have to pick my kids up and RUN?"... I can't run. Even when I'm dreaming, if there is a running scene, something is holding me back, like my feet are sinking in sand. This "I need to be able to chase after my kids, I need my legs to move faster than they currently can" paranoia finally got to the point where I had to do something about it.
Yes, thats right. I've taken it upon myself to learn how to run! I couldn't run as much as one lap around the track, in high school. Not, even, one. Seriously, I couldn't run a quarter of a mile? Man, doesn't that make me feel awesome? Well whatever, because now (and now is what matters), I'm training to run a 5k. I found the couch to 5k program online, and I'm doing it. I'm halfway through my 4th week already, and holy cow, my legs WORK! I'm not going to lie, its hard. I get side aches. I sweat. I see myself sounding and looking like a hippo that can't catch its breath, but, I'M DOING IT! I go to the track every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night. Its dark, there are giant jack rabbits that come out of nowhere, and I'm usually the only person out there (good thing I live on an Air Force Base and there are guards with guns and barb wire fences all around me, otherwise I'd have a totally different paranoia to worry about). I'm halfway to running a 5k, for no reason other than I want to. I need to.
That and I don't want to get on anxiety meds, haha.
Take that, Mommy Paranoia.