Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I've Been Duped!

Crying, biting, being forced awake all night, temper-tantrums, messes that never ever go away no matter how much I clean them... this wasn't what I signed up for, and I'm feeling like I've been duped.

Let me explain. You see, I took that class in high school, the one where we learn just how hard it is to take care of a baby. For one hellish week, everyone in Senior year Psychology had a baby. That's right, a baby.

A 5-lb sack of flour that went with us everywhere, just like real babies.

They needed to be swaddled in blankets, they had to go from class to class with us, they had to come home and go with us to our jobs. They had to sit up at the dinner table with us, and be tucked into bed. Right next to us. It was hell.

Do you know how tough it is to go to the grocery store with a 5-lb sack of flour baby? Do you understand just how hard it is to walk the halls at school, toting a 5-lb sack of flour baby? I did. Oh yes, I lived through it for one entire week, and let me tell you, after living through that, I was prepared for anything.

Thank you high school, for preparing me for the real world.

... and then I had kids. Real kids.

I had crying, biting, awake-all-night, temper-tantrum throwing, messes-that-never-ever-go-away-no matter-how-much-I-clean-them making kinds of kids.

I want to know... Where is my sweet little 5-lb baby? Where is the tiny little thing, swaddled in a pink blanket who goes with me everywhere and sits happily in the shopping cart without making one little peep? Where is the silent little thing that allows me to sleep through the night, completely uninterrupted? Where?

And who the heck is this screaming little 8-lb thing who eats round the clock, doesn't give me a second of peace, refuses to sleep for even a second, and who needs her diaper changed every 45 seconds?

I think I've been duped.



  1. HA! Boy, did they put one over on you. What they should have done is a little "baby engineering" and cross bred a Teddy Ruxpin and one of those "eat, drink, and pee" dolls...laced it with a recording of a screaming 2 month old...THEN you would have been prepared. My suggestion...file a formal complain with your old school. I'll support you!

  2. LMAO! my high school had dolls stuffed with 5-lb weights, same basic idea though...

  3. My school had dolls with computers in them that actually cried and recorded when you didn't pick them up in time or change them and all of that.

    Thank heavens way back then I didn't take that class!

  4. I never took that class and I still feel duped. And what's with the 5 lb thing? Yeah right, in utero!
    You know what's really creepy? The robot babies they used in License to Wed. They would have scared me off all together based on their looks. Who wants to give birth to scary old men looking babies who cry and poop? Eeek!

  5. Classic. Our school never did that, but I heard of schools who used eggs instead of bags of flour. Lighter? Yes, but evidence of abuse was more apparent. :)


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